July 31, 2019 4 min read

 

 

Last week I posted this video of me dancing. 

I love dancing. Love love love it! It's been something that has reawakened an inspiration and happiness within me that I was afraid I would never find again.

A few days after I posted, someone close to me (who I believe was trying to protect me) asked, "Are you okay with guys jacking off to it because that is most likely what was happening".

They said it was “too provocative”, “too sexy” and, "too intimate" to share online. 

We’ve all heard that it’s important "not to care what other people think." In this moment, however, my whole body contracted.

I was faced with pain and fear of being “too much” and then being “not enough”.

I felt the heat of past shame arise, overwhelming anger and fierceness, and a deep sadness of what was my pure, innocent, beautiful, happy expression being misconstrue.

I get weird comments now and then from random people on the internet because that is just what happens with an online business... Most of the time I write it off neutrally, sometimes with a small squeeze of discomfort in my body.

But sometimes, someone says something that really does hurt.

Telling you that these words and comments don't hurt would be false. I would not be being transparent with you. It would not be truthful or honest. 

I'm stronger in letting you know that yes, if you are saying something to hurt me or control me, it is going to feel painful to me. I am human, I have a deep feeling soul, and a try to hold an open heart every waking moment.

My truth: your words and judgements hurt. 

But even if your words have the temporary power to suppress me, it won't always be like that.

Criticism is not creative and it will lose out to love.

The Universe favors the bold. 

Criticism is not bold, it's passive, it's small. Is there a part of you that you are criticizing? Are you criticizing others? What do you get out of this? What space of comfort does it allow you to exist in that is keeping you fractioned into only a small part of your truth?

Short term stings do not have the power to change me, shape me, shift or form my authentic essence and my authentic expression. 

I do not give you my power by being hurt by your words. I am fueled by the hurt that your words bring me and I step deeper into my path. 

I used to feel like I was “not enough”. 

Now I struggle with feeling like I’m “too much”.

As a woman, the pain of feeling like I’m “not enough” really the message that I’m not sacred. 

This is completely false. 

Feeling not enough is completely incongruent with truth. 

Every human is sacred, and as a woman, being seen, felt, honored, and adored for the sacred beauty that I bring forth is my heart’s deepest desire.

Whether it be in my creative expression, my loving, my intimacy, my physical beauty, it's all sacred. Just like you.

Feeling like we're “too much” faces us with the feeling that our truth (creative expression) isn't welcome. That in order to be “allowed” here on this planet, I must tone it down and therefore put out a fire that is my heart’s passion and pure expression. 

Well guess what. I’m here, so apparently I’m allowed to be here, and so are you.

So what PART of you are you still not giving space for? What part have you toned down so much to the point of total suppression. 

Like a flattened form of consciousness contract into near dust. 

I don’t actually feel like people who criticize or judge my work or writing are wanting me to STOP. I don’t actually believe they are telling me to shut the F up and get small and silent, either. 

But I do feel my criticizers are uncomfortable with the boldness of my truth. 

It is not creative to criticize another. 

Here’s the thing about the Goddess. She shape-shifts. She transforms. She gets bigger and then she gets smaller depending on how she feels and what spontaneously desires arise in any given moment. 

For her to remain the “same” would be going against her nature and going against her power. 

For her to always remain elegant, refined, sweet, innocent would mean stepping out of her truth as a Goddess and placing her in the shoes of a contracted entity, disconnected from her source of wild wisdom. 

She is not ONLY elegant, she is also spontaneous, wild, fierce, bold, strong, wise, fire… She is a purified form of every word. 

She is not here to be molded, constructed, constricted, or conformed. 

And no one benefits when we squish her like that. 

We need her wildness, we need her freedom, we need her uninhibited love.

A child’s creativity IS an expression of the love that is consciousness unfolding and expressing itself through them.

Why do we judge our expression?

We do not tell a five year old that their painting is “too colorful” or “not colorful enough”. We honor what they have expressed, in the moment.

With gratitude to witness their innocence and sweetness. Because they put their WHOLE HEART into those moments of creating. 

My creative expression whether it be through sensual dance, writing, words, intimacy, connection, and love is just as sacred as it was as a child. 

My wisdom has transformed from inherent embodiment to inherent embodiment in greater awareness.

We get closer to source when we stop judging the way source energy wants to express itself through us. 

You get to choose.

You are Divinity, you are Sacred Energy.

In Grace,

Anya

 


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