September 13, 2019 4 min read

About six years ago I was at one of my best friend's birthday parties in San Francisco. 

We went out to a really nice Indian food restaurant (my fav type of food) with a group of people. 

At the time I was on a diet. 

I ordered a dish because it had carrots and a few other veggies but when the dish came, it was not what I expected. It was full of creamy sauces, potatoes, etc. 
When it was placed in front of me, I literally started crying.
At that time in my life I was DEEP in my food/body struggles.
I was never told by a doctor that I had an eating disorder, and I never even thought to ask because I wasn't dealing with anorexia or bulimia but I DEFINITELY struggled with binge eating and overexercising (which there's actually a term for called anorexia athletica).

Painful memories of where I used to be:

  • Waking up sick because I ate an entire sheet of Papa Murphy's take n' bake cookie dough before going to bed.
  • Stealing peanut butter and cereal from roommates late at night (because I never allowed myself to buy my own).
  • Late night runs to "The Food Bin" in Santa Cruz to get chocolate, ice cream, and rice crispies when I was stressed studying.
  • Overeating at 75% of my meals
  • Overexercise to make up for it
  • New Years Resolution planning out of the "healthy meals", foods, and exercise schedules I would follow...
  • Emotional breakdowns when I was guiding 
  • There was a phase of time I made myself eat raw veggies before every meal.
  • I had a hormonal imbalance and before every period would have INTENSE PMS depression. 
  • Acne struggles way beyond puberty.
  • Weighing myself every morning (because it is the lightest time of the day) obsessing if it went up 1 or 2 pounds.
  • Lift up my shirt every single morning and feel and look at my belly first thing.
  • I couldn't go a day without exercise without having literally an emotional breakdown (ask my parents about this...)
  • Sugar addiction.

Now...

  • I realized the other day that I hadn't actually THOUGHT about sugar consciously for I don't even know how long.
  • I realized TODAY that I don't remember the last time I lifted up my shirt first thing or felt my waist. 
  • I could have hundreds of cookies in front of me and I my body would naturally NOT binge and I trust it... 
  • I have had peanut butter in my fridge for three months and I've never had a scoop (I don't really like it that much)
  • I just threw away old ice cream from my freezer...
  • I can go countless days without exercising and not freak out
  • I can go to any restaurant (I prefer some over others still) and I know what to order to make my belly happy
  • I've maybe weighed myself ten times in the last five years (mostly at doc appointments) I literally could care less how much I weigh...
  • I don't really even think about food all that much but simply find nourishment when I'm hungry and enjoy it when it's coming into my body.
  • My skin is clear.
  • I maybe overeat 3 times a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and when there's yummy fresh baked bread at one of my fav restaurants)


How? Mindset and a feminine energy approach. 5th dimension manifestation of my ideal relationship with food and exercise (meaning I don't have to DO anything but my ideal body/health is a byproduct of my mental and emotional CHOICE, and therefore, it simply IS. (Much more on this in the six week intensive.)

And the thing is, I'm still on a journey with food and exercise. My intentions are to ultimately eat more alkaline, more veggies, even less sugar, and a few other experiments but I know that in order to be able to truly SUSTAIN any beneficial change I needed to 100% HEAL my relationship with food/exercise FIRST. 

I've received a lot of suggestions about food/diet from people in this world (I appreciate the good intentions) but I know personally it's not beneficial and I actually believe for a lot of women it can be quite damaging when they still haven't done the underlying healing of the mental/emotional relationship with food and exercise first. 

I'm committed to the long-term game of health which to me = mental and emotional freedom. My body, nutrition, tone, etc. will fall into place as a byproduct of my mental/emotional health. I just know that. 

I think back to a recent meal of nachos, green juice, and a vegan strawberry muffin and I FEEL SO GOOD about it. Like I literally have good memories and good feelings associated with it. Why?? Because ALL THREE parts of my meal made me FEEL GOOD in some way: I felt filled up, nourished, comforted, sweetened, and celebrated. I didn't overeat because I just don't do that anymore and didn't once think, "Oh no, what is this going to do to my body."

Humans. We are breath. Sometimes we are empty. Sometimes we are full. This is one of my tricks with food. To allow myself to feel the feeling of emptiness and to allow myself to experience fully the process of feeling full. 

There's a lot of pleasure, love, and freedom in both. 


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